Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
When I grow up, I want to be 16
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.