I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
You Might Also Like
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now