Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
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Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred