I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
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As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Going to church you guys need anything
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid