Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
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She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’