Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
cat vs inanimate object
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*