*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
You Might Also Like
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.