the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
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Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
The options really are this bad
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”