Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
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Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.