the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
You Might Also Like
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Breaking news:
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
saving face 👀
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?