As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
me adding lol on a serious message
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.