My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
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I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!