[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
*exercises sarcastically*
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Real House Wines.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?