As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
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Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is