me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
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I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Terribly Tuesday.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.