[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
You Might Also Like
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no