Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
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Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her