there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
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Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
i was baptized in a car wash
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I’m aging like a fine banana
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
That’s incredible! 👌
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom