Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
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[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
White Castle for the Win
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.