looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*