ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor