My birthstone is a marshmallow
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Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
#NoRestForTheWicked
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see