by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.