*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
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The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.