*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one