Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
You Might Also Like
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.