I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
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* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: I don鈥檛 want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
goldfish mafia
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My friend told me her kids don鈥檛 get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Losing weight doesn鈥檛 seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You鈥檙e supposed to cook it
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 馃檹
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer