Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom