I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
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*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.