what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
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Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?