Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?