how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
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My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!