“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long