I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker