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him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!