My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
socratic questions
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book