Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: