My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
You Might Also Like
This is I, Robot all over again
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.