me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
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My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.