that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
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everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.