Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
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Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Whoa… oh I see lol
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]