Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I am a gravy boat captain
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
hmm conte-me mais
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.