ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Me too 😆
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?