My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
reviewed some movies recently
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.