me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics