Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
You Might Also Like
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
#Caturday
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Oh, I bet you would be
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
How dude HOW?!
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief