DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”