Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.