{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
my favorite genre of twitter
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
grotesque if literal: baby food
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing