The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?